Quotes, Phrases and Jokes that I live by and keep me sane. It can work for you too

To Drink or Not to Drink? That is the Question.

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink > I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think > about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes > and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out > of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say > to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their > dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." > ~ Jack Handy > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell > happened to your bra and panties. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they > wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're > going to feel all day. " > ~Frank Sinatra > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." > ~ Henny Youngman > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? > I think not." > ~ Stephen Wright > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, > we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. > When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all > get drunk and go to heaven!" > ~ Brian O'Rourke > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants > us to be happy." > ~ Benjamin Franklin > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > "Without question, the greatest invention in the > history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the > wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does > not go nearly as well with pizza." > ~ Dave Barry > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! > ~ Dave Howell > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, > of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. > Here's how it went: > > "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo > can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when > the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones > at the back that are killed first This natural selection is > good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the > regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the > slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we > know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." >

Seven Kinds of Sex:
7 kinds of sexRecent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happenswhen you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.The 2nd kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you havebeen with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you havebeen with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you havebeen with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in thehallway you both say "screw you".The 5th kind of sex is called Courtroom Sex. This is when youcannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screwsyou in front of everyone.The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun inthe morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.OOPS! Don't forget the 7th kind of sex, it's called Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month, but not enough to live on!



Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes"
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE? I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability. I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations. I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake , but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put y our name on the building. It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!" I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries! I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else And if you don't like my point of view, tough... I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust" on our money and having "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up and BE QUIET!!!

POLITICAL THOUGHTS

THERE IS MORE TO KNOWING THAN EMPIRICALLY SEEING
-Donald Puchala “Woe to the orphans of the scientific revolution”
Journal of Int’l Affairs 1990

Ere many generations pass, our machinery will be driven by power obtainable at any point in the universe. It is a mere question of time when men will succeed in attaching their machinery to the very wheelwork of nature." - Nikola Tesla

A NEW SCIENTIFIC TRUTH DOES NOT TRIUMPH BY CONVINCING ITS OPPONENTS AND MAKING THEM SEE THE LIGHT. BUT RATHER BECAUSE ITS OPPONENTS EVENTUALLY DIE, AND A NEW GENERATION GROWS UP THAT IS FAMILIAR WITH IT.
-Max Planck, Scientific Autobiography

“I am getting tired of protecting your kids from adult pleasures (drugs)”
-Bill Maher

“Most people don’t know what they really want but they’re sure they haven’t got it”
-Alfred E. Newman

There are two types of laws. One has not only a legal but moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws.
-Martin Luther King Jr.-Letter from the Birmingham City Jail (1963)

An unjust law is no law at all
-Saint Augustine

The key objective of reforming the Cannabis laws should surely be to break that contact between soft drug users and the criminals who push hard drugs
-Peter Lilley-British Tory


"When you're dealing with all those Senators- the good ones and the crazies, the hard workers and the lazies, the smart ones and the mediocres- you've got to know two things right away. You've got to understand the beliefs and values common to all of them as politicians, the desire for fame, and the thirst for honor, and then you've got to understand the emotion most controlling that particular senator when he thinks about this particular issue"- Lyndon Johnson and the American Dream-Doris Goodwin

"What alone can be our doctrine? That no one gives man his qualities-neither God, nor society, nor his parents and ancestors, nor he himself. (The nonsense of the last idea was taught as "intelligible freedom" by Kant- perhaps by Plato already). No one is responsible for man's being there at all, for his being such and such, or for his being in these circumstances or in this environment. The fatality of his essence is not to be disentangled from the fatality of all that has been and will be. Man is not the effect of some special purpose, of a will, and end; nor is he the object of an attempt to attain an "ideal of humanity" or an "ideal of happiness" or an "ideal of morality." It is absurd to wish to devolve one's essence on some end or other. We have invented the concept of "end": in reality there is no end
One is necessary, one is a piece of fatefulness, one belongs to the whole, one is in the whole; there is nothing which could judge, measure, compare, or sentence our being, for that would mean judging, measuring, comparing, or sentencing the whole. But there is nothing besides the whole. That nobody is held responsible any longer, that the mode of being may not be traced back to a causa prima, that the world does not form a unity either as a sensorium or as "spirit"- that alone is the great liberation; with this alone is the innocence of becoming restored. The concept of "God" was until now the greatest objection to existence. We deny God, we deny the responsibility in God: only thereby do we redeem the world



“HALF OF THE HARM THAT IS DONE IN THIS WORLD IS DUE TO PEOPLE WHO WANT TO FEEL IMPORTANT. THEY DON’T MEAN TO DO THE HARM BUT THE HARM DOES NOT INTEREST THEM”
-T.S. ELLIOT

‘Immature and recklessly silly kid cleverly disguised as a responsible adult”
-UNKNOWN


THE LAWYER
The lawyer in any period occupies a peculiar position in human affairs, and from that position stem certain common experiences. The lawyer stands on the middle ground. His sphere is swept by all the currents of life, especially its cross-currents. He is brought into contact with all kinds of people. He is the private go-between, the public intermediary, the international diplomat. The boundaries of his influence overlap the boundaries of all classes, all trades, and all professions. He is doctor and priest; yet he is more of a philosopher than doctor of medicine and more of a scientist that the priest of religion. In analyzing human emotions he is a psychologist, in playing upon human emotions he is an artist; in marshaling facts to the support of his thesis he is a business man; in politics he is a humanist. In all things he is a moralist. But in adjusting his principles to the arts of his profession he is a consummate sophist. He is a philosopher gone to market; a poet gone to court; a mental warrior fighting for peace.
Always he is the champion of his client--and what client needs not a champion? The more despicable, the greater the need! And for his client he will practice mental quirks and moral quibbles which he would not indulge for himself. Although he is a minister of justice, it is not for him to judge. He knows that the manifestations of right and wrong in life are not so clear as their names in theory, and for that reason his first loyalty must be to his client, whatever his private conviction. But no matter how artful the practices of the lawyer, he is still the avowed defendant of law and order. He is the self-constituted oracle of liberty and equality. Though conceited and contentious, his sense of right is the needle of life’s compass and its magnetic pole is Justice.
QUOTED FROM THE 2003 NASHVILLE BAR ASSOCIATION GUIDE
(AUTHOR UNKNOWN)



THE IMPORTANCE OF ONE VOTE: (NEWSPAPER/WRITER UNKNOWN)-given by Mo
IN 1645, one vote gave Oliver Cromwell control of England
In 1776, one vote gave America the English language instead of German
In 1845, one vote brought Texas into the Union
In 1868, one vote saved President Andrew Johnson from impeachment
In 1875, one vote changed France from a monarchy to a republic.
In 1876, one vote gave Rutherford B. Hayes the presidency of the United States.
In 1923, one vote gave Adolph Hitler leadership of the Nazi Party.
In 1941, one vote saved Selective Service—just weeks before Pearl Harbor was attacked.

What if c-a-t really spelled dog?
Ogre Rev Nerds II

ALCOHOL: THE CAUSE OF AND SOLUTION TO ALL LIFE’S PROBLEMS
-Homer Simpson

--------
“SOMETIMES WHEN I REFLECT BACK ON ALL THE WINE I DRINK I FEEL SHAME. THEN I LOOK INTO THE GLASS AND THINK ABOUT THE WONDERS IN THE VINEYARDS AND ALL OF THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS IF I DIDN’T DRINK THIS WINE, THEY MIGHT BE OUT OF WORK AND THEIR DREAMS WOULD BE SHATTERED. THEN I SAY TO MYSELF, “IF IS BETTER THAT I DRINK THIS WINE AND LET THEIR DREAMS COME TRUE THAN BE SELFISH AND WORRY ABOUT MY LIVER”
-JACK HANDY

“I FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T DRINK. WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, THAT’S AS GOOD AS THEY’RE GOING TO FEEL ALL DAY”
-FRANK SINATRA


“WHEN I READ ABOUT THE EVILS OF DRINKING, I GAVE UP READING”
-HENRY YOUNGMAN

“24 HOURS IN A DAY, 24 BEERS IN A CASE. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT”
-STEPHEN WRIGHT

“WHEN WE DRINK, WE GET DRUNK. WHEN WE GET DRUNK, WE FALL ASLEEP. WHEN WE FALL ASLEEP, WE COMMIT NO SIN. WHEN WE COMMIT NO SIN, WE GO TO HEAVEN. SO, LET’S ALL GET DRUNK AND GO TO HEAVEN!”
-BRIAN O’ROURKE


“BEER IS PROOF GOD LOVES US AND WANTS US TO BE HAPPY”
-BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

“WITHOUT QUESTION, THE GREATEST INVENTION IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND IS BEER. OH, I GRANT YOU THAT THE WHEEL WAS ALSO A FINE INVENTION, BUT THE WEEL DOES NOT GO NEARLY AS WELL WITH PIZZA.”
-DAVE BARRY

“TO SOME IT’S A SIX-PACK. TO ME IT’S A SUPPORT GROUP. SALVATION IN A CAN!”
-DAVE HOWELL

“WELL YA SEE, NORM, IT’S LIKE THIS…A HERD OF BUFFALO CAN ONLY MOVE AS FASTR AS THE SLOWEST BUFFALO. AND WHEN THE HERD IS HUNTED, IT IS THE SLOWEST AND WEAKEST ONES AT THAT BACK THAT ARE KILLED FIRST. THIS NATURAL SELECTION IS GOOD FOR THE HERD AS A WHOLE BECAUSE THE GENERAL SPEED AND HEALTH OF THE WHOLE GROUP KEEPS IMPROVING BY THE REGULAR KILLING OF THE WEAKEST MEMBERS. IN MUCH THE SAME WAY, THE HUMAN BRAIN CAN ONLY OPERATE AS FAST AS THE SLOWEST BRAIN CELLS. EXCESSIVE INTAKE OF ALCOHOL, AS WE KNOW, KILLS BRAIN CELLS. BUT NATURALLY, IT ATTACKS THE SLOWEST AND WEAKEST BRAIN CELLS FIRST. IN THIS WAY, REGULAR CONSUMPTION OF BEER ELIMINATES THE WEAKER BRAIN CELLS, MAKING THE BRAIN A FASTER AND MORE EFFICIENT MACHINE. THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS FEEL SMARTED AFTER A FEW BEERS.”
-CLIFF CALVIN OF CHEERS EXPLAINING THE BUFFALO THEORY TO NORM


HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF SANITY
(AUTHOR UNKNOWN: GIVEN BY VALERIE GIBLIN)

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they slow down
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Do not disguise your voice
3. Insist that your email address is: BigDaddy@companyname.com
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing
6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers
8. Put decaf in the coffee marker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine
addictions, switch to expresso
9. In the memo field of all your checks write ‘for sexual favors.’
10. Reply to everything someone says with “That’s what you think”
11. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area.
Insist to others that you like it that way.
13. Do not use any punctuation
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk
15. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer
16. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go:.
17. Sing along at the opera
18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems do not rhyme.
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after
your boss does. (Especially if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you are doing. For example.
“If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom, in stall # 3.
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle or office. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you cannot attend their party because you are not
in the mood.
23. Call the psychic hotline and do not say anything.
24. How your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
25. When money comes out of the ATM scream “I Won! I Won!. Third time this week!!!
26. Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that
do.”
27. Tell your children over dinner “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”
28. Every time you see a broom, yell “Honey your mother is here!” (or any other in law)